


borderline unintelligible and absolutely filthy

by psycheDahlia



Series: audiovisual [1]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Anal Play, Dialogue-Only, Dirty Talk, Exhibitionism, M/M, Male Solo, Masturbation, Moaning, Multiple Orgasms, Orgasm Countdown, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Overstimulation, Vibrators, Video Cameras, Voyeurism, so much fucking moaning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 11:22:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14424363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psycheDahlia/pseuds/psycheDahlia
Summary: Dennis comes up with a unique challenge for Charlie to prove he knows his numbers well enough to bartend. Charlie records his attempt at beating that challenge. This is more or less a transcript of what went down.The title is very very accurate.





	borderline unintelligible and absolutely filthy

**Author's Note:**

> the title doesn't come from anything it's just what this fic is (and what charlie becomes by the end, but like, shh, spoilers!)

“Uh, so you said this is the only way to prove I actually know my numbers well enough to be allowed to bartend again after I gave that guy four hundreds as change for a twenty. I tried telling you, like, I just got confused because zero is supposed to mean nothing but then I’m supposed to add the zeroes together, but like how do you add nothing to nothing, and then also add a one, right? Like...like it just doesn’t make any sense, even if you do know your numbers, right? Am...am I alone in this? Dennis?

Haha, right, uh, I keep forgetting you can’t actually talk back to me. It’s weird, making a video for somebody. It’s like, I talk to you cuz I know you’re the one that’s gonna see it, but part of talking is asking questions, but the important part of asking questions is getting them answered, and you’re not here to answer them, man!

I guess it’s probably good that you’re not here, though, cuz, uh...heh, in case you haven’t noticed, I am...pretty naked, right now. And that’s kind of weird too, right? Would I be okay being naked like this in front of you? I know you’ve seen me naked before, but I also feel like this is a step...more...than that?

Like...are you looking at this thing right now? Did you buy this to fit me, or you? Is this yours? How fucking loose is your ass, Dennis? Cuz I don’t think this is going to fit. Mine’s tight as shit, dude.

...I bet that turned you on, you weird fucker. I bet you’re sitting there with a fucking boner right now. If you haven’t started jerking off already.

Wait a minute, is that it? Is that what this is? Are you having me do this just to jerk off to? Ohhh, I know you’re a sick fuck, Dennis. I know you’re a mean, conniving little _bitch,_ Dennis. Did you make me do this just to jerk off to? Did you make me do this so you could jerk off while you watch me fuck myself?

Well you better pull your fucking dick out, Dennis, cuz... _ohhhh fuck I’m tight_ ...I’m not drawing this out for your benefit, and... _jesus fuck is it still not in?_ ...and I’m _not_ fucking myself with it either, you sick perv. You said all the way in my ass and turned on while I count to a hundred, and that’s all you’re getting. And no close-up shots of your vibrator sliding in and out of my tight little butthole, either, weirdo.

Heh, I bet you moaned when I said that. Bet you moaned when I called you a bitch too, didn’t you? You’re so easy, Dennis. You got so many buttons, so easy to push. Slap. Choke.

Speaking of buttons, where’s the button that turns this…

 _Mmmmmmmph!_ Ohhhh. _Ohhh_ my god. Okay. Alright. I…ohh my god, okay.

Dennis you are a…Jesus fucking _Christ_ , holy shit! Oooh! Oooh, ooo _ohhh_ hhhhhkay. Wow.

Wow. Uh. Any chance I could count to fifty, and you’d make me the part-time bartender? Cut me a little slack because I knew it was half of a hoooooohhhhhhhhkay, okay, I get it, I got you. I should...oh! I should just start. I should just start. I should just start. Okay! Oh! I should just start. Okay.

Okay. Uh, one. Two. Threee...eeeeeeehhh...ohhhh...four. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eiii-iiiiiiightnine. Nine. Nine. N-iiii- _iiiiii..._ nine...teneleventwelve  _ohhhhhhh_ okay, okay, okay….okay…mmmmmokay okay okay.

Thirt..hirt..thirteeen. Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixte-eeeehhhhheeeheen, ohohohohohooooh my god. Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty…

Threeeeeeeooooohhh Dennis I can’t, Dennis I can’t, Dennis I can’t I’m oh my god I’m gonna die oh my god oh my god twenty-four, twenty-five, oh my god fucking twenty-six, twenty...oh my god twenty…oh my god, twenty what, oh my god,  _noooo,_ twenty one, twenty two, twenty three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty…hoooooly shit six twenty seven twenty eight twenty nine thir...ty…yyy…one, two…oh my god thirty one thirty two thirty holy fucking shit holy shit...

Holy shit, Dennis, holy shit Dennis, it’s buzzing so hard, inside me Dennis, holy shit ohhhhh my god thirty one, thirty two, thirty three, thirty four, thirty five, thirty six, thirty seven, thirty eight, thirty nine, forty fucking holy shit forty!

Almost halfway there, oh jesus...

Forty one forty two forty three forty four forty five forty six forty seven forty eight forty nine fifty! Fifty!

Oh thank fuck, thank fuck, halfway...

Ohhhhhohoooohhh…my god, Dennis, hahahaha I’m only halfway Jesus fucking Christ I’m going to...ohhhh my fucking god okay haha fifty one...

Fifty two, fifty three, fifty four, fifty five, fifty...ohhh my god six fifty seven, fifty eight, fifty nine, sixty, sixty one, sixty two, sixty three, sixty four, sixty five, sixty six, sixty seven, sixty eight, sixty…nine...

Hahaha, nope, you stop laughing right now, asshole, I know you are, too! Sixty nine!

Seventy, seventy one, seventy two, seventy…ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ohhh, oh, Dennis ohhhhhh Dennis oh my god Dennis my cock is twitching ohhhh…fuck, fuck, I keep losing my place but if I find it I can keep the...ohhh my god I have to stop getting distracted seventy one, seventy two, seventy…ohhh…seventy...three…seventy four…

...seventy four, seventy...ohhhhhhh five, ohhhh god, seventy three, seventy four, seventy five, seventy six, seventy seven…

Ohhh, ohhhhhhh, oh fuck seventy five what the fuck am I doing, ohhh Dennis you sick fuck seventy five seventy six seventy seven, ohhh these fucking _numbers,_ seventy eight seven nine seventy, I mean, eighty, fuck, fuck, ohhhhhhhhhhh my god just fuck me just fuck me already just fuck me ohhhhhh fuck me ohhhh eighty one two three fuck three four fuck I’m doing it wrong fuck fuck fuck _fuck me,_ Dennis, Dennis, ohhhhh…

Eighty one, eighty two, eighty three, eighty...four goddammit just fuck me god just fuck me god I wanna.... _mmmmmmm_ eighty four, eighty five, eighty six, fuck me, eighty seven, eighty eight, eighty _ohhhh_ I wanna come I wanna fucking come eighty nine I want you

I want you... _I want you, I want you, I want you ..._

Mmm, mmmmm…mmmmmm it feels so _good_ you feel so good you’re so good Dennis, _fffffuck_ , it’s too much it’s too much it’s too much _ffffffuck_  
  
Nine... _tyyyyy_ …  _one_ …ninety two, ninety three, ninety four, ninety five, ninety…six I’m so close I’m so close I’m so close ninety seven I’m so close Dennis ohhh _hhhhhhhhhhhhhh_ Dennis ohhhhhhhhhhhhh...hhhh...ha…

Hnnhhhhhhh...ha…ninety ninety ninety ninety ninety eight, ninety nine, ninety nine oh fuck a hundred a hundred I did I did I did it ohhhh I did ohhhhh Dennis ohhhhh Dennis I….ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………ha! Oh, oh my god, oh my god, ohhhhhhhh my god ohhhhhh my god Den, oh my god, this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done!

Ohhh, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

...my god, my god, my god I hate you ohhh fuck me fuck me ohhhhhh my god…mmmmmmm!

Ohhhhhh, ha...ha…haaaaaa I can’t even talk ohhhh thats enough enough, that’s enough, ohhhhh thats enough oh my god….oh….oh my god. Oh turn it off, ohhhh thank fuck, thank fuck, it’s off, ohhh my god...

…

…

…

...oh my god, my whole body is shaking. Oh my god.

 _Fffffffffuck, fuck, fuck._ Ohhhh, my dick is still twitching. Holy shit, oh my god. Oh my god.

Mmmmmm...hmmmmm…mmm...ah…ha…

...um. Well! My whole body is shaking, my dick is still twitching, I made a _huge_ fucking mess, and I’m pretty sure I got at least all the numbers in there, some of them a few times, so I’m going to be taking ohhhhhhhhver, over, over bartending duties on Thursday nights as we, oomph, ohhh hahaha oh my god as we discussed, so yeah.

I hope you enjoyed that, you sick fucking pervert, because I am never, ever, doing anything like that for you again.

...not unless you do it first, anyway. _Bitch_.”

**Author's Note:**

> i swear to god this just kind of happened
> 
> im not sure if charlie could actually count to 100, vibrator or no; let's just say for the sake of this fic he's REALLY been practicing haha
> 
> i'm sorry this is like borderline unreadable; please leave a comment if you read it, your comments mean so much to me <3
> 
> (find me on tumblr: psychedelic-iridescent.tumblr.com)


End file.
